Trading Mom Guilt for God’s Peace
by Ashley Frizzell, LCSW, CADC
When with our girlfriends, we joke about mom guilt and we laugh nervously.
This may be a defense against recognizing the truth of what mom guilt actually is; a prideful fear. As moms, we want to believe that we can do it all, fix it all, control it all, decide it all. Mom guilt is a drive to perfectionism which is a way to cope with anxiety and fear. We think if we are perfect mom’s we can rid ourselves of fear.
However, trusting God is the only way we can truly rid ourselves of the fear that can come with being a parent. With guilt, we shame ourselves because ultimately we are trapped in finding our identity in outcomes which are usually not what we expected, and are often disappointing.
In this description, mom guilt is more revealing about our heart than it is about our mothering. Is this feeling truly what our culture has come to know as “mom guilt”, or does parenthood call us to a more mature version of ourselves? Can we seek God’s help to respond to that call, or will we condemn ourselves with guilt and live in fear when we fall short?
Therefore there is now no condemnation at all for those who are in Christ Jesus. Romans 8:1
Becoming a mother, I began to experience mom guilt. I began to notice myself feeling inadequate within minutes of my first child being born.
At first, this inadequacy was quiet and simply nagged that I needed to learn more about motherhood. The longer it lingered, the more it became unnoticeable as a thought, and it became second nature as a feeling of constant guilt. This is a great example of how unchecked thoughts turn into unmanageable emotions, and emotions turn into behaviors.
The behavioral outcomes of mom guilt looked like me demanding others to meet my expectations, me setting unrealistic expectations, me fearing, me overworking, and me projecting all of this and more on my husband or others. It became manifested in my outcomes, and this is when it was most noticeable. I had to make a change. In this case, I made an exchange; my mom guilt, for God’s perfect peace.
Though it is not a comprehensive list that all moms would identify with, below are some basic categories in which I think mom guilt can fall. Following each category it will describe what it looks like and sounds like as well as give alternatives for us to attempt. You can begin to notice, identify, and work towards exchanging mom guilt for God’s peace. This is a daily exchange that requires effort and willingness.
Fear looks and sounds like…
I am messing up my kid, my kid is sad, my kid is lonely, my kid is deprived, my kid is not okay, my kid needs, my kid will get hurt, my kid is gonna stop breathing, that place is too dangerous, my kid is being bullied, will they like my kid, but my kid has this thing etc.
God’s peace looks and sounds like this:
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7 *Spend time praying for your children's safety, provision, and future.
Comparison looks and sounds like…
she is doing it better than me, I should be doing this better, I need to get it together, pinterest says that, facebook moms are doing this, I just know they are judging me, I am so embarrassed by my kid….
God’s peace looks and sounds like this:
Don’t compare yourself with others. Just look at your own work to see if you have done anything to be proud of. You must each accept the responsibilities that are yours. Galatians 6:4-10 ERV
*Spend time thanking God for your children, for your work as a mother, and ask for help to let go of comparison in your thinking.
It might be wise to get off of social media now and for a while, if not forever.
Disappointment looks and sounds like…
It wasn’t supposed to be like this, something must be wrong, we just can't get this figured out, I wish my kid would just do this or do that. I am so embarrassed by my kid
God’s peace looks and sounds like this:
This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it. Psalm 118:24
*Spend time reflecting on how good God is and how our joy is found in Him far above how our joy is found in our children.
Bad boundaries look and sound like…
I don’t like to see my kids unhappy or uncomfortable because it makes me unhappy and uncomfortable, so I need to fix it. My kids’ tantrums are so bad, I just need them to stop so I can think straight and get some down time. Following through on discipline is hard and my kid is unmanageable, so I give in because I am exhausted and it is easier. I expect my kids to change their behavior because it is upsetting to me. I have to make sure the school hears my kids' side of the story because what happened is not fair.
God’s peace looks and sounds like this:
I am not sorry that I sent that severe letter to you, though I was sorry at first, for I know it was painful to you for a little while. Now I am glad I sent it, not because it hurt you, but because the pain caused you to repent and change your ways. 2 Corinthians 7:8-9
*Spend time choosing to take responsibility for your own thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and choices. Choose to follow through with your children, even when it's hard. Find an accountability partner for support.
Emotional dis-regulation looks and sounds like…
My emotions are out of control. I am tired, I am overwhelmed, I can’t do this, I am angry all the time, I can’t stop crying
God’s peace looks and sounds like this:
a. I try to sleep 8 hours a night
b. I drink plenty of water
c. I exercise a little every week
d. I pray
e. I renew my mind with the word of God (preferably before my children wake up) f. I spend time with and serve my church community.
g. I spend time alone and/or enjoying my talents, gifts, and abilities
I share this with you so that if you find that you experience mom guilt, you may join me in the journey of learning that mom guilt is prideful, fearful, and unhealthy. It leads to choices made out of guilt which is the opposite of what we want for our kids. Parenting out of guilt can and often will raise up children to have maladaptive thinking and behaviors. Parenting out of peace will produce much better outcomes for both you and your children.
Recommended books for moms struggling with guilt and/or other parenting challenges
Triggers by Amer Lia and Wendy Speake - This book helps you to exchange parents’ angry reactions for gentle biblical responses.
Mama Bear Apologetics by Hillary Morgan Ferrer - this book will equip you with all the wisdom and knowledge you need to battle the lies our culture tells our kids
Parenting by Paul Tripp - this book has 14 principles from the Gospels in the Bible that guide parenting.
How we love our Kids by Yerkovich - this book helps us understand that the way we attach to and parent our children has to do with our own attachment with our parents and how they raised us.
Boundaries with Kids by Cloud & Townsend - this book helps us to have healthy boundaries between ourselves and our kids so that our yes’s and our no’s are all heard and respected and the corresponding consequences and responsibilities are also clear.
